Structured Observation
by Nightwitch87
Summary: Crackfic, in which Olivia and Brian adopt a cat. Set in the Season 15 and "Those Graces" universe. I repeat: crackfic. Consider yourself warned. Features moderately serious cat angst.


**Author's Note and Warning:** **This may literally be the worst piece of fanfiction ever written, but it's a birthday surprise for the wonderful lucythespencer (and doesn't that qualifier make you feel special?) and a tribute to her serious commitment to sad cats. What better way to surprise someone than to write awful fanfiction for her story? Her** _ **wonderful**_ **story "Those Graces", by the way, which has absolutely nothing to do with this, so if you don't know it and are here simply because you love reading cat fanfiction, do not check it out, because it lacks cats. This little crackfic all started as one of our completely sane conversations about what all this drama would look like from a cat's perspective. So without further ado, knock yourself out, and tell lucythespencer happy birthday for me!**

 **Disclaimer:** **I don't own the Law and Order: SVU franchise, I just enjoy misusing the characters. Don't own the rough timeline of this story in earlier "Those Graces", either. Oh, I do own the cat with all that deep characterisation. So don't steal him.**

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 **Structured Observation**

 _Day 12 of my Captivity_

I have decided to mark down the days by leaving miniscule incisions on the back of the kitchen counter. So far, to no effect other than some general displeasure and a form of torture where they attempt to spray me with some sort of portable shower they use to moisturize their plants. This is just one of the many puzzles I have had to adjust to in taking on these two humans, who appeared so in need of my guidance. However, even on Day 12, I am beginning to harbor doubts as to the stability of this home. This appears to be above my paygrade. We shall wait and see. The start was promising, even if they did make a rather clumsy and humiliating attempt to inspect my genitals and subsequently named me "Sherlock" which, aside from not being my name, also appears to be some sort of joke. Then again, human humour has always been rather simple-minded for my taste. My attempts to discourage this ridiculous behaviour by exhibiting a stern refusal to answer to this name have been unsuccessful so far. This may be due to the limited cognitive capabilities of my humans, as evidenced by the rather circular nature of their disagreements thus far. I fear they will be slow to train.

 _Day 16 of my Captivity_

For the first time, the human female has begun to verbalise doubts regarding our co-residence. "A cat is not the answer to our problems!" was proclaimed as she left the room, returning only to complain that the human male is "never home, anyway" and she is hence "taking all the responsibility". (Responsibility for what?) Evidently, she struggles to accept my help despite the effort she shows in trying to figure out which "cat food" I like best. (The idea that I do not enjoy being presented with readymade, processed foods day after day appears not to occur to her. But I humour her, acquiescing to her wishes.)

 _Day 19 of my Captivity_

Interpersonal communication between the human female and her mate appears to be improving, as they spend a statistically significant greater proportion of their time at home in the same room together, discussing the usual human frivolities of weekend pursuits and cuisine. Unfortunately, this also means that they pay less attention to me, as the human female seemed more invested in my affection when the male was off doing his silly business, hunting for food or whatever it is they do. When he returns, the female curiously tidies up and purchases food to supplement her rather liquid diet. Again, I am puzzled by this behaviour and the attempted domesticity that resumes thereafter. I have chosen to insert myself into their interactions, jumping between them on the couch to prod their stomachs and scratching at the bedroom door. I hope this will rectify their priorities.

 _Day 25 of my Captivity_

The human male has begun to display curious forms of interpersonal behaviour towards me. In the presence of the human female, he likes to act aloof and dismissive, complaining of my omnipresence and insisting I watch him in a malicious manner. When he is alone with me, however, he makes clumsy attempts to initiate physical contact, encourages my sitting in his lap and massages my neck rather too softly. Paranoid delusions? Anxious-ambivalent attachment style? Investigate!

 _Day 26 of my Captivity_

My previously stated concerns appear to be valid, as the human male has taken to attempting to coax me with various moderately to very appealing foods, then appears disappointed if I do not reciprocate his affections. Furthermore, he has started referring to me as his "little buddy", which is a behaviour I cannot, will not tolerate. Categorisation based on physical size alone is a disgrace, and I refuse to be infantilised in an anthropocentric manner. Punishment of said impropriety will begin immediately, just as soon as I finish this piece of cheese.

 _Day 30 of my Captivity_

There is another human male! He was as surprised by my presence as I was by his. Bringing him into my home unannounced like this was rather insensitive of the human female, who appears at once partial and resentful towards him. Once again, human emotions present as stunningly base to me, as evidenced by the second human male finding humour in my presence, which he subsequently attributed to "dumbass's desperation", leading the human female to suddenly be fiercely in favour of my presence and insist it was her idea (it wasn't). Through this past month of structured observation, I have learned human emotions to be fleeting and volatile, and despite my best attempts at communication, strangely insensitive to the needs of others. In any case, nearly hairless human male number two made the immediate error of sitting down on _my_ sofa without seeking prior permission. Naturally, I attempted to clarify the terms and conditions of his presence, and naturally, he did not comprehend my meaning until I was forced to exert brute force. It is not my preferred method of interaction, but it appears to be the only one which evokes a consistent response from my humans. I was relocated to the master bedroom, where I aim to be but usually gain no access. At least one of my humans is learning.

 _Day 31 of my Captivity_

Human male number two visited _again_ "while dumbass is away", insisting on my exclusion from the living room the second he entered the door. I delight in instilling this level of fear in him, and firmly believe that my presence in the bedroom prevents any improprieties between them. However, some time later, excessive shouting between them ensued, and when I attempted my escape from the bedroom and made my disapproval clear, it only seemed to make matters worse. Must come up with a defence strategy against this intruder.

 _Day 32 of my Captivity_

Please let it not be true: There is a third human male. At first glance, he appears tolerable despite his ridiculous attempts to initiate contact with me and assurances of my "cuteness". However, he has threatened to abduct ("cat sit") me when needed, and I am not entirely comfortable with this notion as he acts a little too familiar with me considering our lack of acquaintance. He also suggested the human female play me "soothing music" to discourage my scratching the furniture when they leave me alone – at once misunderstanding my communication and suggesting that I am some unsophisticated, trainable dog. Worst of all, he threatened to return with "cat grass", which he erroneously believes will aid my digestion. Personally, I believe my digestion is none of his concern.

 _Day 33 of my Captivity_

Human male number one has returned. We don't know where he goes when he disappears, nor when he will return. It is supremely irritating. Rather than addressing this issue, however, the human male and the human female like to spend their evenings in silence, pretending to look at a sheet of paper or gazing at a square showing colourful pictures as I attempt to draw their attention. This is another thing which bewilders me: the human obsession with squares or rectangles. They even possess them in portable form, and if their square emits a noise, they must stop whatever they are doing and rush off to somewhere. Quite bizarre.

 _Day 41 of my Captivity_

The fighting between my human female and my human male has resumed worse than ever. I doubt it will ever improve, nor do I know how to remove myself from this situation. I have grown somewhat fond of the first human male, but perhaps the second human male is essential for some reason after all? I do not comprehend, nor do I see a simple way out of this. I will continue to work tirelessly to be understood. I must not give in.


End file.
